Porn & Masturbation: The cancer of my life

It requires a lot of courage to write on a topic like that, but I want to do it.

I will share all of my stories regarding porn and masturbation. I know that it’s taboo to talk about it, and I am damn sure that writing about it is going to affect my future both personally and professionally.

Let’s start from scratch. 

You know that teenagers are curious by nature, and they try to drill into all that they find interesting, either good or bad. 

Well, I was none other than them.

I am 18 years and 3 months old today. I was born on 11/29/2005.

I have done my schooling from UKG to 5th at St. Joseph School, Bettiah. After that, from class 6th to class 10th, I went to the Assembly of God Church School, Bettiah.

I saw a condom when I was in 4th grade, but I didn’t understand what it was. My friends too laughed while using a stick to hang it on the air. 

I had no idea what it was. My journey of spoiling started when I came to the Assembly of God Church School. Here, things started to get worse. I learned about sex, sperm, fap, and all of this.

I had been watching soft porn for years now, as they come in Bollywood movies like kissing scenes or any intimate scenes. When they came, I used to feel restless. 

I don’t exactly know, but I watched proper porn in 8th grade.

Needless to say, when I used to watch it out of curiosity, my heartbeat used to increase, and it used to frighten me about what would happen if someone saw me or my parents caught me.

The story of how I first masturbated is a bit interesting. I have only shared this with a couple of people, but now I want to put it in front of the public.

My father used to give his bike for servicing at Maa Hero Auto Agency in Bettiah. There was a middle-aged man, and he had very good relations with my father. He used to live in the agency only. I, too, at that time, liked being near him.

At the agency, people could watch TV to see if their bikes were being repaired or serviced. I had been to the agency a lot of times, so I didn’t need my bike there. I could simply go there anytime and watch TV. I remember when one day I was in the lounge watching TV and my father wasn’t there. He came near me, sat down, and started pressing my penis. I was wearing half-pants; they were thin, and I also wasn’t wearing underwear. I was aroused, and I was confused. I wasn’t able to understand what was going on.

He then told me to follow him. I accompanied him to the lift. He got the lift we both got, and he then got his hands inside my pants. He got my penis out and started jerking it. He did it for a few minutes until the semen got out and we got to the terrace of the agency. I could still remember everything that he did crystal clear.

He said that after you get married, your wife will come to you and take this thing. He also advised me not to do this, as I may become weaker.

He told me not to tell anyone. Also, if he hadn’t told me that, I wouldn’t have shared this with anyone, not even my parents, as I didn’t trust my parents.

After that one thing, I knew that I was a victim and that he had done something wrong with me. After that, whenever he called me, I didn’t go to him, but what he did to me I can’t forget.

In all honesty, this incident significantly impacted my life, and now, over five years later, I am resolved to exact vengeance. I am again saying it here: I will get him, and I will punish him for what he did.

He was in his middle age, and he knew everything; he knew that it could change my life for the worse. Also, it could harm me physically, as, to date, I am skinny. 

After that, I started masturbating regularly (almost every day). I even masturbated two to three times a day.

If I could recall properly, I was in 9th grade, and I started masturbating almost daily while watching item songs on my TV.

This is how it started. Until now, I have been facing the consequences. 

These are the only two habits that are bad about me; otherwise, I am too good.

After that, I would almost daily watch porn and masturbate. If I didn’t do it one day, I would also become restless. Everyone was asleep when I awoke at dawn with the sole purpose of viewing porn and masturbating.

I have woken up till mid-night just to watch porn and masturbate. 

It’s not that I haven’t tried to leave; I have asked God to help me out. Once I was even able to leave for more than a month, but a sudden thought led me there. 

When I was in a relationship for 27 days, I was able to leave it for more than 10 days. The relationship didn’t work out, but when I was in it, I felt satisfied and fulfilled. I didn’t get the urge to masturbate or watch porn. 

I have squandered so much energy on porn and masturbation that I would be an entirely different boy if I had put it to productive use.

I have masturbated and gone to appear for exams. I have masturbated at places that I once couldn’t even imagine. To be clear, I have masturbated at every place I get an opportunity. I have watched porn for hours and hours until the mobile data was over. I have then recharged my data and have then again watched porn. 

I haven’t said about these to my parents and probably will never say, but I think that they also might have some idea that I am into these things. 

Well, now I won’t be shy about talking about these topics and will for sure put my point on these things.

These two things have fucked me in and out for 5 years and impacted my studies to an extent one can’t even imagine. Both the 10th and 12th grade boards have suffered because of that.

I have also mentally suffered a lot. I lost respect for girls. When I see girls, I get a die-hard crush on them. I see them as things created just for sex. 

Now, it’s enough living in the blue world.

I need to do something about it.

For the same reason, I am starting a 21-day no-fap challenge on March 21, 2023. 

Whatever the result, I will share it online.

Thanks for reading.

This is Navneet signing off from today’s blog.

Peace 🕊️

Read the experience here